my anonymity has been comprised. the person who discovered my blog is 100% trustworthy and says he won’t read it but i can’t continue knowing that someone in my real life has access to my deepest darkest gheyest stupidest thoughts. i’m going to pack up my things and blog elsewhere. i’ve enjoyed the time we spent together and who knows, maybe you’ll stumble on me under some other name :).

even though he won, i cried anyway. What a remarkable feeling, to witness all of this. How sad that his grandmother died right before he was elected. His acceptance speech was great: solemn, quiet, humble. He sounds like someone who inspires unity. And not in the “im a uniter not a divider” buffoon jackass kindof way. I thought John McCain’s speech was the best he’d given all year – gracious, respectful, and yes, humble. It must be very sad for him, he obviously won’t be able to run again.

I never thought I’d utter these words: I’m proud of the way my state voted.  We are so white-redneck- republican-racist-jesus-loving,  it’s truly gross. As of this moment, our returns STILL aren’t all in, but it looks pretty damn good. Way to go North Carolina! I live in Raleigh;  my county was a surprising shade of blue.

Way to go America. I hope Obama can get something positive accomplished. What a mess he has inherited.

Excitement. Nervousness. I never ever thought a black candidate would be this close to the presidency so soon in my lifetime. It makes my eyes well up when I think about it. I haven’t felt proud to be American, really proud of us as a whole, in a long time.  And if McCain wins, I feel certain we will have a female president sooner than we expected. Either way, it’s a historic day.

I can’t wait until the election is over. I’m sick of the phone calls, emails, junk mail (omg EVERY DAY our mailbox is STUFFED) and of course the mean spirited attack ads on television that make you feel like a hateful piece of shit just for watching them. Our local elections are out of control hateful. thank god for tivo.

I am thankful that Senator Obama came to Raleigh last week and i got to see him. My bf works at the legislator’s office, and they carved a passageway for us so we were able to snag a great spot on the lawn. The crowd was awesome and obama was fabulous and i skipped work, basically the makings of a perfect day. i got some great pics of Barack and the crowd. I especially liked this dood’s watch. He was kind enough to let me take a picture of it :).

I voted early, I hope you did too.

moose aren’t the only things they shoot in alaska.

I didn’t have time to make lunch before class today, so I didn’t get to eat until 3pm, and I was starving. There’s a quizno’s a few blocks away from our downtown studio so I rushed over and ordered a salad (to go) during the few minutes of our break. Not having time to read the ingredients, I asked the counter lady if the Chicken in the Chipotle Chicken Salad was grilled, she said yes. So, I ordered it, thinking it was a healthy selection. When I got back to class, I discovered it had bacon in it. Tons. In fact, it should’ve been called the Chipotle Bacon Chicken Salad. There was as much bacon in there as chicken. Drats.

When I got home, I went online and checked out the calories.
Oh. My. God.

(click on the thumb for a better view). Thats right, EIGHT HUNDRED AND TWENTY CALORIES for a salad. a SALAD! Do you realize a Big Mac is 560 calories???

AND a delicious, juicy, sin-filled big mac also has 2 grams LESS fat than the chipotle chicken salad. a SALAD!!

And there’s more good news: for those of you weight watcher’s enthusiasts counting at home, a big mac is 13 weight watchers points, and this quizno’s salad is 18 points! I can’t tell you how appalled I am. And pissed that i didn’t find a mcdonalds today and shove an entire big mac into my face. Without swallowing. I certainly would’ve been better off.

Luckily I was startled enough by the pound of bacon on my lettuce that I picked out all the cheddar cheese and threw the salad dressing in the trash before I ate one bite. I don’t know how much cheese they dump on there, but if it was even a tiny ¼ cup of cheddar, thats cutting out alot of fat but not nearly enough. Check out the cheddar cheese nutrition facts (click on the thumbnail for a larger view). Mind you, this is a tiny ¼ cup portion. No wonder we americans are so fat. And while we’re at it (re: the salad shot above), does improper grammar pass for humor these days? Or are they purposely using a double negative, actually meaning to say that the salads do, in fact, need dressing? And what’s with the sentence fragments? Who’s on their marketing team? Seventh graders?

This is why I hate you Quizno’s. Get out of my life. We are so over.

i dont know what to blame the insomnia on. wellbutrin xl maybe? who knows.

i’ve met a lot of people in the 35 outstanding fucking years i’ve been alive. If you were to ask me, of all those people, who should not be allowed to have kids… 2 spring to mind instantly –and go to the head of the list every time. My mother and my father. Sometimes I’m filled with so much resentment that they had me and my siblings i want to smash something. Preferably my wrists in a guillotine. Almost every day my mother astounds me with her selfishness. And the worst part is that she will not admit she has this flaw. Instead she makes up stories about what did or did not happen, then she tells them to me, always with a request for confirmation. And my father. Every time i think of my dad, it ends with “i wish he would just die already” and then… i remember! Oh right, he died last year. Relief sweeps over me like a space heater’s heat in a cold basement.

If my mother’s kids aren’t a case for abortion, i don’t know what is. NOTHING could be worse for a baby child to grow up in an abusive, neglectful, filthy environment. why even put the kid through it? if you dont want it, my god get rid of it before it becomes a he or she. Its so fucking arrogant of the pro-life folks to talk about save the fetus blah blah blah, and then once it’s born, they lose all interest. and once it robs and rapes someone, cart it off to jail. and once it kills someone, electrocute it on death row. how many rapists and pedophiles and suicidal people are here because of some ridiculous “morality” movement that doesn’t even make any fucking sense. Do you remember being born? Do you remember the 1st month of your life? It absolutely wouldve been FINE with me if my mom had done away with from conception – 2 years old. How could i possibly KNOW that i had been aborted?? I dont remember any of that shit! i may as well have just been erased. Then i wouldnt have to experience the agony of growing up with those piece of shit parents, and then spend the rest of my life in therapy trying to justify why i shouldnt go ahead and take the pills i’ve been stockpiling for a very special occasion.

why do we even try to prevent suicide? if people are that unhappy and life clearly hasnt gotten any better with drugs, therapy, hypnosis, alcohol– then what the fuck is it to you if they end all that pain and blow their brains out? we all die anyway. so what the fuck if they choose when? how fucking selfish can you be to make someone stay in this world when the only relief they can find is in death?

I finally got in touch with my sister, who lives several states away, and who got me all in a fluff after sending me a cryptic email.

Verdict: After dating him for 2 years, with a wedding date set for November 8th (a month and a half away), my sister’s fiancé says that he does not want kids. This is a deal breaker for her.

i know, its crazy, right?? who in their right mind wants kids??

My sister! whose goal in life is to have children. she loves kids, LOVES them. her 1st marriage produced no offspring & was a fiasco; she met her Swedish-i-love-kids boyfriend online, he moved to the states, they got married, he got a green card and then he was o u t. so that was a bitter disappointment for her. Ever since then she’s been looking for the perfect guy to raise kids with. She starts every 1st date with “i love children and I want to have them, so if you don’t feel the same, let’s just finish our dinner and go our separate ways.”

Enter current (ehrm, former) fiancé, who said YES! I want to have kids too! I love you! kids! kids! kids! and kept saying that until… 4 days ago?

Her “dream is shattered” and she began making plans to kill herself (stating she has no reason for living if she cant have kids) but then she gave up (“I’m just too exhausted. its a harder to go through with than you think”). I told her it wasnt a good solution anyway, since he isn’t the last man on earth and he’s probably impotent (no really, i’m not kidding). IMHO he’s doing her a favor. He has all kinds of health problems and when his liver fails and he can’t get an organ donor and dies, how is she going to pay for those medical bills?

Meanwhile, he’s like “What? you dont want to marry me? Am I just sperm to you?” well… actually…

i’m trying to keep the bad thoughts away but its getting more and more difficult. i feel like i’m trying to ride my bike—in a perfectly straight line—through a lake. Impossible. it would seem more natural to just let it go and drown. i saw my psychologist yesterday (dr pastry) and she said i was doing so well blah blah blah because i had a drink with my classmates during our break. really i just wanted a drink. more accurately: i wanted to be drunk. unforch, i needed to drive home in 3 hours so i only had one hard cider. my classmates, however, are fucking idiots who think drinking is cool (and driving drunk a non-issue) so they chugged 3 beers a piece in the 20 minutes we were in the bar. GOD. i hate being ancient and having to hang with newly legal drinkers. its so fucking stupid and pathetic.
About 3 minutes ago i bought an impossibly cute mousepad from etsy to make myself feel better. i dont even use a mousepad but what the fuck, i’ll start. if rubbing my mouse up against this adorable astronaut doesnt make me happy, nothing will. btw, this one is from daniele young, if’n you’re itchin for your own.

goddamn etsy. like a fucking masochist, i did a local search for local etsy shops and who pops up but a Stupid Whore from my class selling her items for way too much money and she was in all the pictures, modeling her wares, and she’s thinner than me and i gained 3 pounds this week and i really hate her.

dr pastry said i should counter every negative thought i have about myself with a positive one.

please.

i really hate myself tonight. And my skin. what the fiery hell. i’m having the exact same experience that miss zombie had not too long ago. how does that even happen? how do you have gorgeous skin your whole life then you surpass 30 and it sprouts into a robust crop of cherry tomatoes? i thought all my problems would be solved when i became an adult. what a foolish child i was.

did i tell you my sister is engaged? probably not. well she IS. it’s her 2nd marriage (she’s 36) and its set for November 8th. I got this suspicious email from her last night:

Hey xxxxx,
Mom hasn’t bought a plane ticket yet for Nov, has she?
xxxx

I think this means she’s calling it off. my cell phone was dead all day so i couldnt call her to confirm. My mom’s guess is postponement. its too late now to call my sister and ask her who’s theory wins. she lives with the fiance and his 16 yr-old son so she probably couldnt tell me the details anyway. Her fiance has cerebal palsy and sells subliminal tapes/CDs for a living (if you need bigger tits or want your subliminal mind to cure your cancer, send me an email, i’ll hook you up). um, yeah, so I’m not hoping that the engagement is broken but i can’t say i’d be sad about it.