scared for america

best. sketch. ever.

brilliant saturday night live sketch of hillary and sarah.

amy poehler and tina fey = effing awesome

What exactly did you mean by “wide-set”?

This week my boss and I are interviewing candidates for a new internship position we hope to fill by the end of September. We had a flood of resumes; she narrowed them down to 9, and asked me to “drastically reduce this list, please. We don’t want to waste days interviewing these people.” Like any resourceful interviewer would do, I logged into facebook to check them out. Wow. …isn’t it common knowledge that if you are looking for a job your potential employers are going to google/facebook/myspace you? These people were either absolute idiots or just didn’t care what image they broadcast to the world. Don’t get me wrong, I post fuck and cunt just as much as the next blogger, but good luck finding any association to my real name, email or anything else i use on a professional basis.

so anyway, i’ll try to protect the innocent with black boxes, but here are a few gems i discovered:

why coffee why?

so i had too much coffee today… and my alarm will go off in 3.5 hours. Oh well. My job doesnt involve any heavy lifting. ahem. so yeah i got that job i was worried about. And its so awesome. Weird too. it’s classified as an internship. I get paid and everything but there are no benefits like insurance or paid vacation. It’s funny how everyone just assumes i’m 20 years old because i go to college and have an internship. i should get a tshirt made: SORRY I CANT HANDLE THE REAL WORLD on the front. and FUCK OFF on the back. Most of my coworkers are very pleasant but some constantly make remarks about my inexperience or stupidity based on my intern status. ive been told i have a young face but whatever, its fucking rude. A perk though: i can wear jeans and take zero responsiblity because OOPS i’m the intern.

i share an office with real interns. (*Not their actual names although i’m sure they would prefer them to the ones they have) Gasolina* is 21 and acts like she is 12. Carcinojenni* is 22 and dresses like she’s the president of the universe. she looks ridiculous in her power dresses and high heels. She’s very tan. She told me she wanted to look just like me when she was 34. I told her to start applying sunscreen. Gasolina loves to remind me that with our age difference i could be her Mom. If i was her mom she would’ve grown up in an orphanage. she thought that was funny but i was dead serious.

Even with cancer, i’m feeling the tanned body peer pressure. Carcinojenni and her damned golden skin. i bought some Clarins self tanning gel from Sephora. i’m still the same shade of white girl i was before i applied it. maybe when daybreaks i’ll be all holly berry.

tuesday i get my prk surgery. nausea.

so i will keep them open

i know i’ve told you this one thousand times but i will say it again: I HATE MY FUCKING LASIK DOCTORS. yes, i went back to the dildo squad today and they did their usual bullshit routine and said “The eye needs to heal, come back in 6-8 weeks.”
i want to cry but i told myself i shed my last tear over their nonsense, so i’m holding it in. fuck. fuck. fuck.

ok.

in other deteriorating body news, i got the stitches in my face out. the nurse said my face gash looked awesome and it was going to heal beautifully. She took a picture of it with a digital camera and showed it to me. I thought it looked like shit. She said i was awfully young to be getting skin cancer. i said: mmm, not really. then she said: How old are you? I said: 34. She said: “Oh my goodness, i thought you were in your early twenties!” then i punched her in the face.

ok. kidding about the punching part. she was probably the nicest person i have encountered in 5 years. i just feel rotten right now.

im not the only one in the house that feels miserable. my poor little pug has an ear infection. this is a picture of her in the snow. she’s a very cute pug. she’s so loyal and affectionate. i hate it when she feels bad :(

every time i close my eyes i imagine slitting my wrists.