please go away

i’m trying to keep the bad thoughts away but its getting more and more difficult. i feel like i’m trying to ride my bike—in a perfectly straight line—through a lake. Impossible. it would seem more natural to just let it go and drown. i saw my psychologist yesterday (dr pastry) and she said i was doing so well blah blah blah because i had a drink with my classmates during our break. really i just wanted a drink. more accurately: i wanted to be drunk. unforch, i needed to drive home in 3 hours so i only had one hard cider. my classmates, however, are fucking idiots who think drinking is cool (and driving drunk a non-issue) so they chugged 3 beers a piece in the 20 minutes we were in the bar. GOD. i hate being ancient and having to hang with newly legal drinkers. its so fucking stupid and pathetic.
About 3 minutes ago i bought an impossibly cute mousepad from etsy to make myself feel better. i dont even use a mousepad but what the fuck, i’ll start. if rubbing my mouse up against this adorable astronaut doesnt make me happy, nothing will. btw, this one is from daniele young, if’n you’re itchin for your own.

goddamn etsy. like a fucking masochist, i did a local search for local etsy shops and who pops up but a Stupid Whore from my class selling her items for way too much money and she was in all the pictures, modeling her wares, and she’s thinner than me and i gained 3 pounds this week and i really hate her.

dr pastry said i should counter every negative thought i have about myself with a positive one.

please.

i really hate myself tonight. And my skin. what the fiery hell. i’m having the exact same experience that miss zombie had not too long ago. how does that even happen? how do you have gorgeous skin your whole life then you surpass 30 and it sprouts into a robust crop of cherry tomatoes? i thought all my problems would be solved when i became an adult. what a foolish child i was.

did i tell you my sister is engaged? probably not. well she IS. it’s her 2nd marriage (she’s 36) and its set for November 8th. I got this suspicious email from her last night:

Hey xxxxx,
Mom hasn’t bought a plane ticket yet for Nov, has she?
xxxx

I think this means she’s calling it off. my cell phone was dead all day so i couldnt call her to confirm. My mom’s guess is postponement. its too late now to call my sister and ask her who’s theory wins. she lives with the fiance and his 16 yr-old son so she probably couldnt tell me the details anyway. Her fiance has cerebal palsy and sells subliminal tapes/CDs for a living (if you need bigger tits or want your subliminal mind to cure your cancer, send me an email, i’ll hook you up). um, yeah, so I’m not hoping that the engagement is broken but i can’t say i’d be sad about it.

What exactly did you mean by “wide-set”?

This week my boss and I are interviewing candidates for a new internship position we hope to fill by the end of September. We had a flood of resumes; she narrowed them down to 9, and asked me to “drastically reduce this list, please. We don’t want to waste days interviewing these people.” Like any resourceful interviewer would do, I logged into facebook to check them out. Wow. …isn’t it common knowledge that if you are looking for a job your potential employers are going to google/facebook/myspace you? These people were either absolute idiots or just didn’t care what image they broadcast to the world. Don’t get me wrong, I post fuck and cunt just as much as the next blogger, but good luck finding any association to my real name, email or anything else i use on a professional basis.

so anyway, i’ll try to protect the innocent with black boxes, but here are a few gems i discovered:

my god is that time of the month AGAIN???

i dont think it is but it sure as shit feels like it. Am i the only chick ready stick a knife in her throat the day before the urine runs red? for your sake, i hope so. i hate to brag, but my period lasts 8-12 days. you’re jealous, i know. More likely you wish you were my boyfriend who asks himself every16 days: “How did i get saddled with this bloodbag of a girlfriend?”

The question i really want to ask is: why is Propranonal the leading referrer to my blog? are there that many people out there desperate for propranonol info? i’ve let you people down. forgive me.

ok, so i cant spell the word (proprananol?) but heres

What i know about Propranolol

Wait…weren’t you wearing that…

Yes, I was.

I don’t know about you other depressed people out there but I have a difficult time making decisions. Even the dumbest most insignificant ones— like figuring out what I’m going to wear to school. So, when I finally settle on something that I can actually feel comfortable in, well then I wear it for a few days. It’s much easier to wear the same thing than to have to make a NEW decision on something that worked fine yesterday. Yes, I always always brush my teeth. and try to shower every day (sometimes I don’t have the energy :( ), but the clothes? well, I just can’t be bothered.

Last Friday this girl that I see every day (we happen to have 2 of the same classes), said “You look cute today.” I came very close to laughing in her face. I had only been wearing that outfit for 4 days.

which reminds me, i dislike unobservant people immensely.