Dear Quizno’s: you’ve fooled me for the last time

I didn’t have time to make lunch before class today, so I didn’t get to eat until 3pm, and I was starving. There’s a quizno’s a few blocks away from our downtown studio so I rushed over and ordered a salad (to go) during the few minutes of our break. Not having time to read the ingredients, I asked the counter lady if the Chicken in the Chipotle Chicken Salad was grilled, she said yes. So, I ordered it, thinking it was a healthy selection. When I got back to class, I discovered it had bacon in it. Tons. In fact, it should’ve been called the Chipotle Bacon Chicken Salad. There was as much bacon in there as chicken. Drats.

When I got home, I went online and checked out the calories.
Oh. My. God.

oh look! its another sleepless night!

i dont know what to blame the insomnia on. wellbutrin xl maybe? who knows.

i’ve met a lot of people in the 35 outstanding fucking years i’ve been alive. If you were to ask me, of all those people, who should not be allowed to have kids… 2 spring to mind instantly –and go to the head of the list every time.

the wedding is off

I finally got in touch with my sister, who lives several states away, and who got me all in a fluff after sending me a cryptic email.

Verdict: After dating him for 2 years, with a wedding date set for November 8th (a month and a half away), my sister’s fiancé says that he does not want kids. This is a deal breaker for her.

i know, its crazy, right?? who in their right mind wants kids??

My sister! whose goal in life is to have children. she loves kids, LOVES them. her 1st marriage produced no offspring & was a fiasco; she met her Swedish-i-love-kids boyfriend online, he moved to the states, they got married, he got a green card and then he was o u t. so that was a bitter disappointment for her. Ever since then she’s been looking for the perfect guy to raise kids with. She starts every 1st date with “i love children and I want to have them, so if you don’t feel the same, let’s just finish our dinner and go our separate ways.”

Enter current (ehrm, former) fiancé, who said YES! I want to have kids too! I love you! kids! kids! kids! and kept saying that until… 4 days ago?

Her “dream is shattered” and she began making plans to kill herself (stating she has no reason for living if she cant have kids) but then she gave up (“I’m just too exhausted. its a harder to go through with than you think”). I told her it wasnt a good solution anyway, since he isn’t the last man on earth and he’s probably impotent (no really, i’m not kidding). IMHO he’s doing her a favor. He has all kinds of health problems and when his liver fails and he can’t get an organ donor and dies, how is she going to pay for those medical bills?

Meanwhile, he’s like “What? you dont want to marry me? Am I just sperm to you?” well… actually…

please go away

i’m trying to keep the bad thoughts away but its getting more and more difficult. i feel like i’m trying to ride my bike—in a perfectly straight line—through a lake. Impossible. it would seem more natural to just let it go and drown. i saw my psychologist yesterday (dr pastry) and she said i was doing so well blah blah blah because i had a drink with my classmates during our break. really i just wanted a drink. more accurately: i wanted to be drunk. unforch, i needed to drive home in 3 hours so i only had one hard cider. my classmates, however, are fucking idiots who think drinking is cool (and driving drunk a non-issue) so they chugged 3 beers a piece in the 20 minutes we were in the bar. GOD. i hate being ancient and having to hang with newly legal drinkers. its so fucking stupid and pathetic.
About 3 minutes ago i bought an impossibly cute mousepad from etsy to make myself feel better. i dont even use a mousepad but what the fuck, i’ll start. if rubbing my mouse up against this adorable astronaut doesnt make me happy, nothing will. btw, this one is from daniele young, if’n you’re itchin for your own.

goddamn etsy. like a fucking masochist, i did a local search for local etsy shops and who pops up but a Stupid Whore from my class selling her items for way too much money and she was in all the pictures, modeling her wares, and she’s thinner than me and i gained 3 pounds this week and i really hate her.

dr pastry said i should counter every negative thought i have about myself with a positive one.

please.

i really hate myself tonight. And my skin. what the fiery hell. i’m having the exact same experience that miss zombie had not too long ago. how does that even happen? how do you have gorgeous skin your whole life then you surpass 30 and it sprouts into a robust crop of cherry tomatoes? i thought all my problems would be solved when i became an adult. what a foolish child i was.

did i tell you my sister is engaged? probably not. well she IS. it’s her 2nd marriage (she’s 36) and its set for November 8th. I got this suspicious email from her last night:

Hey xxxxx,
Mom hasn’t bought a plane ticket yet for Nov, has she?
xxxx

I think this means she’s calling it off. my cell phone was dead all day so i couldnt call her to confirm. My mom’s guess is postponement. its too late now to call my sister and ask her who’s theory wins. she lives with the fiance and his 16 yr-old son so she probably couldnt tell me the details anyway. Her fiance has cerebal palsy and sells subliminal tapes/CDs for a living (if you need bigger tits or want your subliminal mind to cure your cancer, send me an email, i’ll hook you up). um, yeah, so I’m not hoping that the engagement is broken but i can’t say i’d be sad about it.

best. sketch. ever.

brilliant saturday night live sketch of hillary and sarah.

amy poehler and tina fey = effing awesome