hmm where was i?

oh right, i was complaining about my miserable existance and my botched lasik surgery.

so yeah schools out and my mood has been exponentially better. i cant believe how much being around people i dont like or respect drains my everything. and when im not in school i can stay at home and be happy. when im happy i dont write. so there.

i went on a job interview today. ive been obsessing ever since i left their office—about what i said, how i acted, why i wont get the job, why i dont want the job if its offered, why or why the fuck did i say all the dumb shit i said, etc. i keep yelling STOP and that seems to help. the good news is that they didnt ask to see my portfolio. you have no idea what a relief that is. i absolutely positively despise showing my work. which is the most retarded thing EVER for a graphic designer to feel. i should go shoot myself in the mouth right now because im basically doomed. when i applied for the job last tuesday, i sent my website link to them and my resume so they saw all my work online anyway, but usually people are idiots and they want to hold stuff in their hands. i dont care if they SEE it, i just dont want to be there while they react. so anyway, i brought a big purse to the interview and hid my portfolio in there hoping that they just wanted to talk and didnt want me to point and explain. im sure i wouldve been trembling. the lady said the most important thing was redoing their website and i said “oh well i havent worked on websites in a year.” self-sabotage? maybe. honestly i dont feel ready. im completely unstable unless im alone at home making custom content for my video games. the money situation must be getting on my boyfriends nerves because i contribute zero. actually negative zero. because he buys everything. so the only reason im getting a job is to contribute to make him feel happy, otherwise i’d rather stay in bed with the covers over my head. not that he has complained but im not his child, his responsiblity, his wife, so ive got to pull in some income.

okay. so im still alive.