It’s official

another awesome day. i stayed up all night working on my book and then when it was time to leave for school i had an overwhelming urge not to go. i started crying. and then i emailed my professor and said i had a migraine, which, based on past experience, i will get in a few hours so its more like a forecast rather than a lie. despite having the future on my side, i felt overcome by guilt. i was ready to crawl out of my skin. i let him down, i let me down, i mean come on wtf? what adult student skips school? am i completely pathetic? Yes. and horrors upon horrors i reread the email i sent to MC and it sounded like i was a total cunt when i was really just being friendly and honest (MC, if you are reading this, i wasn’t trying to be mean or snotty. i’m a socailly inept retard. i think youre wonderful). AGGH! Guilt punches me in the throat again.

And then i started to get scared, heart pounding, light-headed, goddammit am i going to have a panic attack? So naturally i did the only useful thing a person in my state of mind could do: shred the junk mail. and lucky for me my favorite favorite show was recorded on the DVR – Intervention! so of course i continued to cry because the documentary was about Jill who was only 22 and an alcoholic. when she was 17 her boyfriend secretly videotaped them having sex and showed it to the kids in their high school. She lived in Utah and was shunned by the mormon community who called her namaes like filthy slutty whore. And her mother never said i love you (hmm. familiar.) I started thinking about my sister and cried some more. All while shredding a mountain of junk mail (because my bf never does it and god knows i dont). I had to open all of the mail to decide if it was shred-worthy, and you know what? My bf lied to me about how much money he had in his savings account. technically its none of my business, right? I mean we do live together. I’ve never said Tell Me How Much You Have Saved. As long as the bills get paid i dont give a shit. But i do remember him saying what was in there, and he actually has 10k more in there than what he told me. Why would he do that? And it gets better, i also read that green social security notice, you know it tells you when you are 65 or whatever, you’ll get $xx per month when you retire. Am i a snoop? Yes. But i was shredding, give me a break. Anyway, he started a new job recently so we talked about his salary history and (you guessed it!) he actually made 15k more than the number he told me. Does he think i’m going to steal his money? BECAUSE I AM. (don’t call the police, i would never do that)

so yeah, he is OCD, insanely suspicious, weirdly jealous and annoyingly paranoid (although quirky, he’s great; i’m not complaining). and given my past, wow, he’s done a super job of accepting me and believing in me, but deep down he must still be a little worried. He told me he’d never get married because he wouldn’t want to hand over half of what he’s worked so hard for when he gets divorced. Hey, fine by me, all i want is a diamond ring, i don’t need that other fancy american dream bullshit.

I’m not crying anymore. I’ve taken pills and i’m drowsy and shouldn’t operate any machinery.